Lies and Slander

i have realised that everyone i ever wanted to care about me wants me to be gone.

"you know one day you're going to bleed out.."

that was what he said.


i tried to get mama, dad, jess... everyone i ever wanted and now i'm drunk and bleeding and i can barely understand anything... i deserve to die.

so does everyone else. you abandoned me. every last one of you abandoned me to bleed. i hope you rot in hell.


I will not write a live journal again.


for adrian. my darling. my alter-ego. the only one who ever truly understood me - and who i ever understood. i love you, forever. we'll be together in the next world. xx

and kieran - my last earthly hope. i'll wait for you. so much blood, my love, there's so much more than i ever expected. if i get another chance forget the cruelty and the fear and the fact i could never tell you and show you how much i love you. it matters not in the grand scheme, because in the next world you will be mine, and i'll love you like you deserve. angel, always in my heart. forigve me. i can feel myself dying this time.

mama...

I am feeling SO kickass today! It's great!

I've been to UNI today .. OMG! .. and I've made ONE (1) new friend. His name is Matt and he's fucking cool. ~.^ He speaks WICKED fluent Japanese (I kid you not!)...and has been to Japan. Lucky bastard! He also did me the courtesy of writing 'baka' on my orientation baggie. Pfft.

So! About dear ol' Matt. He's from Fielding and so I've nicknamed him Country Boy. The name just stuck. I like it. Not sure if he does, but hey, we sent a postcard to his mum in 'Hicksville' - a ha ha, I kid you not! Well, it was 'corrected' to Fielding **** whatever the postcode is. ~.^ He got a bit interested in one of those txt-a-park meters on Lambton Quay today. We also ran around town (I mean, from the uni to the cable car to Lambton Quay to Starfucks for re-caffeination and Kirks' for a nosey and then all the way to Courtnay Place) and ended up smelling like wet sheep.. because neither of us had coats over our jerseys. XD XD XD

THE LIBRARY AT VIC IS PWNAGE!! I'm serious - nine floors! NINE!! *gasp of joy* And really old books... like 100 years old kinda old! I love it!! I LOVE uni!! *dances for joy*

Anyway, Naomi is coming over tonight and we are going to paaar-tay like it's her 18th tomorrow...which it is! ^0^ w00t~! So yeah. My fun-filled action-adventure high in the sky pastrami on rye super fly day isn't even over yet.


...we got free food and candy at uni today. And I've had lots of coffee. I'm hyper. I'm psyched. I'm almost bouncing off the walls from cold (ya get that, I'm afraid).

Two quotes for the day, just for y'all.

Maxwell: Welcome to the Big Smoke, Country Boy.

Matt: Who the HELL would want to live in Wellington?!


Yes indeedy...who the hell would want to live in Wellington?


ME! THAT'S WHO!!

In the past three days I have been hit on by a drag queen, a 56-year old man and now, a 23-year old man.


WHY CAN'T ANY NICE GIRLS EMAIL ME INSTEAD?!

( murder plans )

UGH!!

That James jerk!!

Honestly. He's just sent me an email saying we can't be friends!! WELL FUCK HIM!!

I think I'm either gonna throw up or cry.

Ok, I'm snivelling.

AAARGH I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!!

*runs away*

*comes back*

...mother fucker.

I shouldn't even care. I don't care!! (yeah, that's real assuring. Not. 'Fess up - I did care. I did want to be friends again. BUT NO!) I don't want to care but what a fucking waste of time he was! Waste of emotion and time and thinking about!! I need to go and do something...someone!!

T^T

Well this sucks. I have been handed out a hot dicking (this is what Callum and I have been saying all day). Fucking analed by a dick of fire.

Fuck him and his bitch. I hereby send fucking painful red hot dickings of fire from a big angry black guy to the both of them...and he can kill them afterwards for fun.

I want revenge now. I want to fucking shove a nice big molotov cocktail (or a grenade) in his car and blow it to bits.

Ok. Had a quick phone call from my counsellor and I'm feeling better. He's a nothing. I'm going to university. Naomi's turning eighteen and we can finally go out on the town together! Everything will be ok.

I'm going to go find some crazy flash animations now and laugh. Better to laugh than to cry.

Better to get mad than get sad... Heheheh... Hahah.. BAHAHAHA!!

..sorry. Don't fret o ye sensible ones - I'm not going to rush out and bomb James's house. I'll plot and scheme. Naomi, you wanna help?

It's fucking amazing how bored you can get after reading lots and lots of fics and forums and emails.

Anyway. I want to bitch, so bitch I shall.

one: I still don't understand what James wants from me. He says friends, he says let's not forget the past, but move on, he's said horrible things to be and now he's apologising. Well. I'm worried that I'll jump him if I ever see him in a friendly situation again. That's probably because I am shockingly sex-deprived and it's driving me INSANE.

two: I am lonely beyond words. Well, not beyond words, that's what an extensive vocabulary is for, but bloody hell. I have had no action in four months and I'm trying so hard to get out and go find someone but NO. It's just too difficult! I mean nobody wants to go clubbing and especially not GAY clubbing and I have NO gay friends and Dad can't tell if I am or not and I don't want to tell him because what's the point if I don't even have anyone to show for it and I'm not telling Mum
'cause she'll tell Andy and it's so ANNOYING because my only gay relationship crashed and burned and I know it was mostly my fault because I had no idea of what to do in a relationship between HUMAN BEINGS and I was made to be the boss one and AAARGH!!! I'm just sick sick sick of being so damned miserably lonely. *sigh* And to make matters worse the free gay dating sites are taking for fucking ever to get back to me and the other sites that actually have people require you to have a credit card and there's no way Dad will let me borrow his so I can sign up to a fucking dating service (and I'd like to note that it's got way too much nudity for me, it's just like bad porn and what's worse is that I know Dad's a member of it and eeeewwww!! but honestly I know I'm a pervert but I don't like perversion in a relationship until there's trust there and oh I just hate this fucking SINGLENESS!!) AARGH!

three: The idiots at my local pharmacy gave me the wrong kind of medication, it's 100mg tables instead of 25mg tablets and so even though it'll last me ages I'll either be low on dosage or high because they're unbreakable and I know you can buy pill-cutters but they cost money. And I'm poor right now. I'll be poor until Friday. And even then I'll probably be poor because I need to get Naomi a birthday present. But that's a minor issue, I can deal with that. (this is so Naomi feels no guilt because I don't want anybody to be blamed for my current agitation except me. And maybe James.)

four: certain events just piss me off and I'm going to make this as bland as possible for my own reasons but it fucking annoys me and is kinda painful too but hey - what has gone on is over and done and there's nothing I can do to change the situation as it stands now - not even tossing my pride out the door has done a damn thing and THAT really grinds my gears because my pride is something I have always kept unless it will make or break an important relationship. And my last damned trick in the book hasn't worked and I am facing a very lonely future.

Also I haven't been able to find a decently written fanfiction all day, and that pisses me off quite admirably. I mean it';s one thing to have a huge fanfiction archive but if the fiction is written worse than a six-year-old's creative writing hour then there's no point in even putting it up for reading. ARGH!

To make matters worse I still haven't lost much weight and I'm currently low on the blood-alcohol level which makes for a very unentertaining evening - and what's worse is I might get hungry and eating will undo everything I've been striving for.

I want to go back to a year and a half ago when I was skinny and not so lonely. If I could do that then all I'd need would be some medication and maybe my life would be happy.

What am I saying? I'm going to university! I'm eighteen! My life is good!!

...I'm just not happy with myself. Bah. This sucks. And it's cold.

Another email from James.

Be friends? I still don't know.

Ryn and I have been boozing. So have Naomi and I.

Why?

I GOT IN TO VIC!!!

yay. now I want more alcohol.

When I saw all the G-Boys were hunnies,
I was inspired to lemon plot bunnies.
But they're all owned by Bandai
And, sadly, not by I,
So off these fics I make no monies.

- disclaimer from a Keelywolfe fic.

Just had to toss that one up for my hentai chums. ~.^ 1x2x5x2x1x5 sorta-stuff. ~.^ I think that all makes sense. Heero does Duo does Wufei does Duo does Heero does Wufei.

Yup, that's the threesome formula. ~.^

Ok. I was up until about 3am last night. And then I got up MUCH earlier than I do on a usual morning and went for a walk with Dad.

And then I had to go to the doctors. I'm still running on no sleep.

And you know what?

I FEEL GREAT!!!

Why?

I bought a tube of 'Hairy Lemon'. (That's like Berocca fizzy stuff. Only better.)

Hell yes. Lemons never looked so good. ~.^ I think I'm gonna get used to this stuff. It's a stimulant like you wouldn't believe. Caffeine, guarana, ginseng, all of that AND more. I'm like WHOA!!

How's everyone else doing?

Naomi hunny bun, I'm gonna take some of this stuff on Friday night. I recommend you do the same. It's kick-ass.

I've had about four hours' sleep and I'm more energetic than I've been in about a week and a half.

Hairy Lemons, people. Go get some. ~.^ This is my grand study tip. If you're pulling an all-nighter, take a glass of HL the next morning and you'll be raging in no time!! ^0^

*bounces to the beat*

AWW YEAA!!

*dances for joy*

Ok, so I REALLY love the artist who drew this (very talented. See SteelSong's site for Oni No Yume's fantastic artwork, if you're interested.), but when I uploaded the pic from my imae hosting site OMG but what is this?! Duo's cloak was edited (by me, ha ha of course... *shame*) so that I could get it all looking pretty when I first used it for layout AGES ago. So when I try to find the pic oh no what is this but *gasp* I don't have the unedited version anywhere! And what's worse, I can't remember which site I found it at. And then by chance while hunting i come across the name 'SteelSong'. Now that suddenly brings back the memories YEs that is the site and I found the pic.


Rambling away but it's a true story now, see, see? *waggles eyebrows wie Quatre* Heh. I'm still too hyper.


FUCK THE WORLD!! I'M SO HAPPY! ...and someone has just txted me..


IT'S CHANGLES! saying the chang has said something the maxwell would be proud of.

'I hereby claim this lemon. I may add alcohol to it later.' - Changles

I'll make a boozer out of that girl yet. Well. No, I won't, because that's not good, but I SWEAR I'll get her hammered. I have to! It's just not cool for her to go through life without partying like it's...well..the year she turns 18. HAH!

I should probably go to bed now. Dad's going to make me go for a walk with him tomorrow morning...what fun.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'M SICK OF LOOKING AT MY CURRENT LAYOUT!!!


I got am email from James.

*shock horror*

And it wasn't mean either. Go figure.



I have just spent AAAGES reading a full series of Blue Soaring's. Fuck it is funny. (when you read that, think of me emphasising every single word.... nyaaa~~aaa)


Nagging Duo.

Sounds humourous. It is. And it has LEMONS-A-GO-GO!

God, I should be taken out and shot. I'm just way too chipper. Especially for this late at night!


I'm gonna go redo my layout now. Buh-bye blue penguin Chiyo-chan!! Hello... new stuff?

Well I've played TR3 to death. >.> Did manage to get her out of High Security Compound though.


Had two appointments today. Nothing new. Have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with my GP - I'm hoping he can prescribe me some drugs to clear up my skin. T.T It's disgusting right now!!

Hrm. Well Sunday night was Dad's birthday party - I made him a Devil's Food Cake with Choccie Fish for decoration. There are still three pieces left but none of them have the fish...cause I got hungry. >.>

Still over-eating. T.T

HOWEVER!! I did lots of sit-ups today.


Shadow - ballroom dancing?! XD XD XD I'm gonna tell Mum about this, she'll think it's great. MUST go see Take The Lead. ~.^ Puss in Boots was cool, but ballroom? Better.

Changles - better not be TB. Does your breath smell like rotting leaves?? (apparently that's a sign of TB.) Here's hoping it doesnt. I'm starting a hunt for some smut as soon as I finish this update.

Madja - Hi!! *waves* I'm adding you as a chum.

Naomi - WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY!? I was just wondering if you're liking Panic! At The Disco right now. I am. Want the CD?


In other news:
Katie is AWESOME.
I'll probably switch to rollies. My Pall Mall habit is a bit pricey.
Still haven't heard from the Uni about whether I actually GOT IN.
I probably won't qualify for a student allowance either. T.T No free money. Stink.

And aside from my headache, I'm dandy!!
(mutters something about bad skin and weight gain...)

Well. Briefest of brief thoughts on some things.

Yay because Naomi is back. I have missed her.

Boo because the Chang is sick. Or was sick. I think it's still sick...

Ack! because I'm still playing TR3. *shakes head* I intend to finish it all. Eventually.


In other news. My brother is going paintballing today with James. Yes, JAMES. The scum of the earth himself. I can't believe it. Well, actually I can. Callum has no empathy whatsoever. I've threatened to kill him for it. T^T

Yes, I know, I should just forget about that jerk and move on but he not only used me but also ABUSED me. I'll find some excuse to kill him and make it look like an accident. Maybe push him off one of the buildings at uni. ^_^V

So last night I went out drinking with Joel. He wouldn't leave me alone, so I got shitty, he STILL wouldn't leave me alone so I have ended all contact with him. Idiot. I think I nearly made him cry. Peh. Not my kind of person at all. Well...ok, maybe the making people cry thing is kind of an ego-stroke but still...what a wuss! *vomits copiously*

Anyway, seeing as I didn't get hungover last night I'm drinking again this morning but I've only got one Coruba and cola left... T^T And I don't even like rum!! Proof of how desperate I am. And I have no ciggies. Guh.

And really, this isn't a bitch whine moan about how much my life sucks. I'm pretty chipper with life right now! I mean, I've gotta get a student loan sorted out but I'm going to go to UNI!! RAWK ON! ^0^

*sigh*

I'm gonna go back to busting Lara out of prison. Later.

Jeez. I suddenly have friends.

I'm at Naomi's house. She's a darling. *cuddles* Her keyboard makes the BEST clack noises ever. It's like...vintage.

Van Helsing the game is pwnage. I am getting pwned by the frankenstein monster but hey. ^.^ I got my ass kicked three times in a row by her at Buzz too. T^T Stink one!!

I am leaving the course. Well. Have left. Pity I left the Lara Croft picture I had on my folder there too. Trying to get back to school. Have a meeting on money.

Arms are itchy. Cut them up quite bad last night. Didn't stop bleeding for ages. Bastards!
(This is irrelevant to most of the entry, peoples.)

I think I'm going to play a couple of quick games of StepMania too. ^_^ Love that game. Here's hoping I can still play it like I used to!!!

Well. I made it onto my course. Not quite the one I wanted, but almost as good.

I've also made friends with a very gay man named Craig. He's nice. And we have a similar sense of humour.

XD 'ShowerMaster'!!

Anyway.

Ze Unmentionable was well met the other day - joy of joys and much lurve. T^T Wie Depressing!

I watched Dracula 2000 this afternoon. Guh. If I could be any woman I'd the chick who played Mary Van Helsing. She's REALLY pretty. And little too.

HiHi Puffy AmiYumi is a crack up - they actually use Japanese!! Well, kinda like the lil randoms do - 'Nani?!' and 'Okaa-saaaaaannn!!' XD XD XD

*sigh*

The old Man is going away for a dirty weekend. I intend to get puking drunk. ^0^

I mean, er...
> <
0

Heh, see, it's puking!

Hrrmmm....

On a different level, Trowa and Heero have been steadily driving me insane. First one, then the other, then [heh, one (1! 01!)] back again, I can't seem to make up my emotions - much less my mind! T^T

If there were some way I could get them both? Nah. It'd be like taking away Miss Lily. Just wouldn't work.

Aaargh I'm so bloody lonely!! T^T I want a someone to live with. Someone to snuggle up to at nights. ^.^ Hee, someone that doesn't mind me putting my feet between their legs to keep 'em warm. Someone whose hair smells nice.

T^T Quit dreaming, Bond, you're doomed to a life of bachelorhood. Hah! A SINGLE life of bachelorhood, more like! ...can't even get a date.

Well, probably could but I'm just too picky. *sigh*

I want to go have a shower now. I'm grimy.

Much has happened. Much indeed.

Ajax can be scratched right out of my life - right through the damned paper if I have to.

Have a course interview tomorrow. 10am. Here's hoping I can get up in time, ne?


We'll start again tomorrow, shall we?

The curlers....

I undid them this morning and had an AFRO. It was terrible.

So, I stuck my head in the sink and removed them...and now my hair is normal. Flat.

Yay!

i gots me a scheme. and fuck i'm being silly.